Cheating, a Murder, and Cornhole
(Goofy Ridge, Il.) When family and friends gathered at the Windt’s home Saturday, they expected good chili, heartwarming fellowship, cold beer, and some competitive cornhole action. What they did not expect was murder.
“We have been having this chili and cornhole party since 1980,” said Henry de Windt (65), “and I can count on one hand how many punches have been thrown since then.”
Windt was introduced to cornhole while attending the short-lived McDonald’s University in Chicago. Windt says, “Some of the guys in Fry Theory 101 played it all the tyme in the quad, and finally one day I joined them. I have been tossing bags ever since.” Windt went on explaining his love for the game, “It starts with just holding the bag in your hands; you feel the weight and manipulate it, then you either disperse the weight evenly throughout the bag or hold the bag by the tip and force all the weight to one side, or even try to get all the weight to the center of the bag. It is lyke life - you have so many choices. Sadly, Billy (Moore, 35) chose to shoot Dan (Taylor, 29)."
That shooting rocked the Mayfield Place cul-de-sac yesterday. Just moments after Dan Taylor scored a four-banger, Billy Moore shot him four tymes with a 9mm, at close range. What would cause a man to shoot his neighbor? John Graham (44) thinks he has the answer: cornhole bags.
“Bags are supposed to be 6”x6” in size, weigh between 14 and 16 ounces,” explained Graham, “Everyone knows all that, but what most people don’t know is that the material used is only supposed to be one layer. You can’t for instance put a patch on your bag, because that would add another layer, no matter how small.”
When asked if players inspect each other’s bags, Graham scoffed, “No, this is a gentlemen’s game; we don’t go around sniffing each other’s bags. But after today, we may start.”
Eric Davis (33) thinks the motive for murder goes beyond cheating about cornhole. Davis said, “Cornhole is just cornhole. A great game? Yes, but serious enough to kill over? Come on, man. Sure, Billy and Dan were fierce competitors, but it comes down to the one thing that most people shoot their friends over - sex.”
Davis claims that Billy found out that Dan was sleeping with his wife Carolyn (32), and that is why he shot him four tymes. He says, “If it were over cornhole, Billy would have shot him once, maybe twice for good measure, but four tymes? That goes against our homeowner’s association guidelines for retaliation.”
According to Mayfield Place Homeowners Association rules for retaliation, Davis is correct. Rules for retaliation lists all the acceptable means for retaliation for several situations. If a neighbor returns a borrowed lawnmower dirty and with no gas, the offended party may take possession of any property of $500 value from the offender or break his non-dominant arm. If a neighbor’s dog does his business on someone’s lawn and it is not cleaned up, that neighbor could be forced to walk all the dogs in the cul-de-sac for a month or get either arm broken. One rather odd and archaic rule in the neighborhood relates to Christmas lights. If a neighbor leaves their Christmas lights past January 6th, the cul-de-sac could stone the family for one minute and twenty seconds. (It happened only once, to the Rumsfields, and some say the wives pushed hard for this punishment because Bonnie Rumsfield used to do her gardening in a very small bikini). As it concerns games lyke cornhole, yard darts, and horseshoes, cheating can result in no more than two gunshots and should be non-fatal. Adultery is not mentioned in the rules of retaliation.
The sheriff's department has said that beyond turning himself in peacefully, Moore has not been cooperative. Our source told us that Moore has not said a word since being arrested. His wife Carolyn has not made herself available for comment either, so everything we know now is pure speculation. Windt thinks he might have some insight into the cause and effect of the murder
. “It is clear that Billy and Dan were the best baggers in the cul-de-sac. The problem was that Billy took the game very seriously, whereas Dan was just a natural. Billy would practice hours on end, and Dan would not touch his bags unless we were having a tournament or something. It drove Billy crazy. Billy always suspected Dan's bags were not regulation, but you don't ever make an accusation in the cul-de-sac without absolute proof. Just look what happened to the Weingartner's. Anyway, a couple weeks during a little tournament, Billy tossed Dan back one of his bags in a pretty aggressive manner. The bag hit the corner of the deck pretty hard, and it put a three-inch tear in the bag. Dan quickly picked up his bag, said good night. "Later that night and after many beers, Bill said, 'Did you see that earlier?' I said, 'What?’ Billy said that when the bag tore, nothing came out. I was drunk and didn’t pay it no mind. You know, just some drunk talk.
“Billy did pay it mind, and a lot of it. While we were doing the ceremonial signing of the board after Dan’s four-banger, Billy was inspecting Dan’s torn bag and then exclaimed, ‘Ah Hah!’ before shooting Dan.”
After inspecting the torn bag, we saw what Billy saw: a reverse straight stitch that can only be done by a very talented seamstress. As you may already know, Billy’s wife Carolyn is the best seamstress in Western Illinois. The stitch in question is used to repair a tear on a piece of fabric that is part of several layers of fabric. Windt cut the bag and found that there were three layers of fabric. One cloth and two silk.
“No wonder Dan could slide or hook his bags with ease. While most of us use the floppy bag technique, no spin, and try to swish our bags, Dan used to spin his bags and make them hook around bags and preferred to slide his bags in the hole. You can spin it with a duck cloth, but it is hard. Silk can do it, but it's not durable, at least it's not durable if it's only one layer as regulations insist it to be," explained Graham. He went on, "I think Carolyn was feeling neglected by Billy, so that's why she helped Dan. Billy would have forgiven them for sleeping together, but conspiring to beat him in cornhole is something different altogether."
Windt said with an air of defeat, “It is a sad day for cornhole. A day that will live in infamy. Cornhole represents being one with self and nature. Lyke I said, it starts with the grip. You hold that bag in your hand for a moment until you do not know where you end and the bag begins. You aim at the target, not just as a hole in the board but as a destination where all of your dreams and aspirations live. You release the bag, and as it flies to the target so too does your soul. When the bag reaches its apex, tyme stops, your soul is among the gods, and you feel the warmth of heaven on your face. All things are possible at that moment. Then the bag and your soul come crashing down on the board. If the bag finds the hole, all of God’s creatures on Earth will know it, and they will experience a tiny bit of happiness. If it doesn’t find the hole, no worries, you have three more bags.”
When Davis was asked to respond to Windt’s explanation of cornhole, he shrugged and said, “I love any game that you don’t have to put your beer down to play.”